


Take me to a Better Place

by erenbaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11333343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erenbaeger/pseuds/erenbaeger
Summary: What is a soldier when there isn’t a war to fight anymore? A broken man.





	Take me to a Better Place

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on [my tumblr](erenbaegerr.tumblr.com) as a result of me trying to deal with some things that happened irl. Since then, it has become one of the closest pieces to my heart which is why I'm posting it now. One year later :')
> 
> They're already in the tags but TW for Panic Attacks and Night Terrors. The boys do not have it easy in this one, I'm sorry :3

“Has anyone seen Jaeger?”

The hall went silent as Levi’s words echoed in the wake of his steps, frown deepening as he anxiously continued his search. He’d been looking all around town, knocking on doors and asking if they’d seen Eren anywhere and was met by head shakes and shrugs. The military base was his last resort and even that proved to be a dead end. 

He could feel himself losing grip; jaw clenched tight and hands balled into fists as he struggled to regulate his breathing when he heard footsteps racing behind him in the hall.

“Captain Levi!” Jean called out of breath as he tried to catch up to him. “I saw him a couple of hours ago, sir, said he was gonna head home for the day.”

Levi’s shoulders sagged a little bit and he managed to nod tersely dismissing Jean. The size of his lungs shrank in his chest minutely for the time being but the urgent need he felt to find Eren only increased as his mind started to panic no matter how much he tried to calm himself down.

The walk home was a struggle. 

Levi tried to fight the images flashing through his mind as he sped under the fading light of day, closing his eyes as much as he could to avoid seeing the blood on the grass, the splatters of gore on the trees, the sets wide unseeing eyes lying there and staring up at him, pleading and asking what they did wrong, why they were dead. 

Slowly and all too fast, Levi was on his knees on the front steps of their house, hands banging mechanically against the door as he struggled to breathe in, the air heavy in his lungs like tar gluing them together with each laboured breath. 

The door moved from under his palm and in an instant the arms he’d been searching for were wrapped around him, holding him up gently and slowly closing the door behind him before they were back on the floor. 

“Shhh, Levi.” Eren whispered against him as he rubbed his back soothingly. “Just breathe, it’s okay.”

Levi struggled; taking a bit too much air and coughing, trying to regulate his breathing and instead his lungs constricted in the lack of air leading to more panic as he couldn’t breathe. All the while Eren rubbed his back, voice quiet with a fake sense of calmness and Levi tried to focus onto it, tried to ground himself to that voice and that heartbeat that was picking up along his. 

_ Eren is here, he’s real, he’s alive and he’s holding me. Just breathe. _

“Yes, I am.” Eren responded and Levi realized he’d spoken out loud. “That’s it, just breathe.”

It took some time and a bit of coaxing from Eren to move them to Levi’s bedroom instead of the entrance floor, where he continued to hold him and whisper soothingly and patiently as Levi’s breath started to slow down, the air continuously leaving his chest tight and body twitching and heavy.

“What happened?” Eren whispered, hands still mindlessly tracing patterns across his shoulders.

“A girl. New recruit.” Levi’s voice was hoarse and shaky and he took a deep breath to try and continue. “She-- E-Eren, she’s Petra’s sister.”

Levi felt Eren tense up under him, his hand stilled as his head fell against Levi’s shoulder. They sat there in silence, the heaviness of this development hanging in the room around them. Eren’s arms tightened around Levi even more as his own shoulders started to shake quietly.

“I’m gonna go get us something to eat, is that okay?” Eren asked in a low strained voice and Levi just looked up, bloodshot eyes meeting Eren’s, and gave a simple nod.

Eren moved unwillingly, even though this was his idea, but the sight of Levi curling up on himself made him ache deep inside and in an instant he forgot his own pain, latching onto Levi’s instead as he made his way to the kitchen to prepare their dinner. 

“Hey.” Eren whispered as he came to sit at the edge of the bed. “Do you want to eat here or at the table?”

At Levi’s shrug, Eren sighed and placed the dish on the nightstand. 

The last few years had been hard on the both of them. Eren could still remember the day the war was won, could still remember the flood of emotions that broke through him and tore him apart, his only solace was becoming the arms that held a man who was just as broken as him if not more. Neither came out unscathed, both of them had lost people and both of them had lost their squad. People they ate with, slept with and trained with, people who had faith in them and trusted them with their lives and it wasn't enough. 

They weren’t enough.

They ate in silence, the occasional stuttered intake of breath was all that echoed throughout the room as they lost themselves in memories of those who were no longer there with them.

“Do you want some tea before bed?” Eren’s voice was odd; shaky and weak.

Levi glanced over to where Eren was standing and it was as if he was looking through someone else’s eye. He shook his head and watched as Eren nodded grimly and turned to leave.

“Stay.” Levi mumbled brokenly. “Sleep here tonight.” 

“Of course.” Eren breathed softly but his heart ached for Levi. “I’ll just wash the dishes and get changed.”

He watched Levi give an imperceptible nod and made his way to the kitchen, turning on the water to let the dishes soak and then he was on the floor; hands to his face, trying to quiet his sobs as he let the emotions roll through him. He struggled to keep quiet as they wracked his body with their intensity, painful and constricting. Soon he was picking himself up off the floor and almost lethargically went through the motions of washing and drying the dishes.

He was done, dressed in his pajamas and back at Levi’s door sooner than he would have liked. 

_ Deep breaths. _

He tried to remind himself as he opened the door. Levi was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at a spot on the floor by his feet and wet trails painted on his exhausted face. 

Slowly, Eren made his way to the bed and sank to his knees. He slipped his hands in Levi’s line of vision, enveloped his trembling fingers in his grip, gently stilling their shake, and looked up to meet his eyes.

“Bed?” Eren asked out of habit.

Levi hummed and let himself be taken care of. He watched as Eren unhurriedly unbuttoned his shirt and slipped it off, pausing to ease the tensed muscles in his neck, concentrated on Eren’s subtle touches that continuously eased his breathing and quieted his mind.

“You’re doing great.” Eren’s face relaxed a bit as Levi started responding to him again. “Go ahead, I’ll just get the light.”

“Thank you.” Levi whispered as Eren joined him under the cover and continued before he could dismiss him. “And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Eren paused to get a better look at Levi’s face, reached out a couple of fingers to brush the few fallen strands from his face. “You’d do the same for me, fuck, you’d probably do even more.”

Levi relaxed under his touch, turned to give the bite marks on Eren’s thumb a peck as he’d taken to doing ever since the war had ended, and looked back at him. “And you’d deserve every bit of it.”

Nothing more was said, nothing needed to be said as the air that surrounded them grew peaceful, their eyes closed and breathing deepened.

~~~~~~~~~

A sudden thrashing, followed by a loud scream woke Levi up. 

“Fuck.” Levi whispered lowly as he reached out for Eren. His face was distorted into pained agony as he continued on screaming, trying to fight his invisible demons. 

_ Eren, please wake up.  _

Levi’s eyes were welling up with tears as he watched his partner twist in pain. He never felt as helpless as when Eren had one of his terrors. His only solace was to hold him close and pretend that he was providing relief. He’d start whispering, for his own benefit rather than Eren’s, while he held onto him tightly, rocking them back and forth as his choked sobs mixed in with Eren’s anguished screams.

Not soon enough, the screams started to lower in intensity and volume and were replaced by a low whimpering as Eren started to come to. 

Eren opened his eyes, blearily taking in his surroundings and the shaking arms wrapped around him and curled himself around Levi as he felt his body give way to the sobs that were trying to break free and the air disappeared from his lungs. 

“It's okay.” Levi repeated Eren’s earlier words back to him. “Let it out; breathe.”

He continued on holding him tight, hands carding soothingly through his thick brown hair as Eren held onto him for dear life. After what had seemed like hours Eren’s body stilled, his sobs subsided into choked intakes of breath against Levi’s chest. 

“Do you think you'd be able to sleep again?” Levi asked, expectant of the head shake he received in return. “Alright, go get your coat and boots and then meet me at the door.”

Eren glanced up confused and Levi offered no explanation as he motioned for him to get out of bed and go to his own room. Eren unwillingly untangled himself from Levi and put his feet to the ground, bracing himself against the bed as he stood up, tried to ask again about what Levi had in mind but Levi just waved him away.

“Are you ready?” Levi was standing at door, both their gear straps in his hand.

“What do you have in your hands?” Eren questioned hesitantly, unable to guess what Levi had in mind.

Levi smiled softly, looking at the gears in his hand and then back at Eren. “We’re going to fly, of course.”

Their walk back to the base was slow.

The town was quiet and while neither of them checked the hour, it was a few hours after midnight if they had to guess. It held such amazing beauty that resonated deep within them both. It was because of them and their fallen squadmates and their sacrifices that this town even existed, that there’s a world beyond their walls.

“You know,” Eren started, grabbing Levi’s attention as they made their way. “Mikasa once said something that I thought I understood back then,  _ ‘This world is cruel, but it’s also beautiful.’ _ I don’t really think I understood it until now.”

“Wise words.” Levi’s face looked serene for the first time all night and Eren just hummed in response as they reached the base. 

Slowly and methodically they went through the steps of putting on their gear and then they were heading back outside towards one of the remaining upright walls. They quickly scaled it, both reaching the top and landing with a soft thump. Levi drew back his wire and then unbuckled the gear as he lowered himself to the sit on top of broken stone and watched Eren expectantly.

“I still can’t believe that this is what the outside world looks like now.” Levi was the first to break the silence, drawing Eren’s eyes from the flickering lights in the distance. “I remember doubting that such beauty ever existed when I lived in the underworld, and now--”

Levi trailed off but Eren knew what he meant. Eren watched him for a little more, knowing where his thoughts were likely to head and instead, there was a calm smile that graced Levi’s face so he settled down and looked ahead. The skies were clear and the moon shone brilliantly above them, the wind breezed through their hair and they both could feel their lungs fill up as they breathed out the happenings of the day before.

“Do they still happen a lot?” Levi asked quietly. “Your night terrors.”

Eren drew his legs under him and stared at them for a little bit before he answered, “Not as much as before. Stressful days tend to be bad though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Levi pressed. “Or at least come seek me out after it happens?”

“I--uh. Well, I didn’t want to worry you.” Eren mumbled, looking down at his hands to avoid Levi’s gaze. Instead, Levi’s hand slid in his periphery to hold his own in a tight grip.

“Oh Eren.” Levi spoke, his voice wavering a little. “Please don’t shut in on yourself again.”

Eren nodded, unable to find an appropriate response and settled for squeezing Levi’s hand as his eyes welled up a little.

“Are you going to be okay?” Eren asked back. “I didn’t even know Petra had a sister.”

Levi shivered against the wind as he looked at their joined hand. “She was just a baby when I met Petra, she loved her dearly.”

“Don’t you dare go easy on her.” Eren teased in an effort to lighten the mood.

“Like I would.” Levi scoffed. “If anything, I should be saying that to you. You’d end up babying her.”

“If she has Petra’s eyes, I just might.” Eren retorted, a grin spreading on his face and almost reaching his eyes. It quickly softened as their eyes met and muttered, “Thank you.”

“I don’t think I’d survive it if anything happened to you too.” Levi whispered, his grip tightening further and Eren let out a shuddering breath.

“You said we were going to fly, right?” Eren hopped up, dragging Levi up with him. “So let’s fly.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos & Comments would be much loved and appreciated <3


End file.
